New Years Eve

Think about it this is one of the worst part of the year for me people come around my house drink till mid night welcome the new year in, it's all nice and that but this year has got me thinking so i'm going to reflect in this blog post.....


Well here i go........

January to Around September.

I'm struggling with college work.

I'm strugging to concentrate and i'm getting a lack of sleep due to things i'll go into later on.

I'm really worried about people in my life who i care for one of them have to have a major operation which is going to take 5 teams of specialists to make sure there's no problems ( I've got a really horrible feeling that it's not going to go well)

Also this year two people in my family have become homeless and are currently living in a really bad area.

You think that if you've got a limited amount of money your don't go spending money you've got for food on toys and stuff that your don't need to buy. ( It really annoys me when this happens)

I've recently been attending one of my old volunterry groups ( I feel i'm getting looked down on and used)

Well i've only just relised how long this post is so far so i'm going to try and skip the shit parts of this year and try and go onto the good points.

So the good points are:

I got a place on something i really wanted.
I've got some of the best mates in the world and they mean the world to me i'd do anythin for them.

Wow thats not good that's the only few things i can think of because the few holidays this year have been stressful and i've just wanted them to end.

Anyway this is my last post of 2009 hopefully 2010 will be a better year for me.

The "Other"

Happy New Year!!!

Tomorrow is New Years Eve.

Big night for me. I always intend to start the year in a way I wish to continue.

This means all my clothes are going in the wash and my room is getting re-arranged :P

Was travelling home from my holiday earlier and decided on a few things for next year.

My 5 goals for 2010 are:

1. Pass my exams with a grade that makes next year not as stressful

2. Have an offer from my desired university in the bag

3. Create some form of saving so I have access to money when I need it

4. Take dance lessons

5. Well I've not worked this one out yet. I'm open to ideas

5 things I want to spend more time on are:

1. My college work

2. Guitar

3. Reading

4. Keeping my room clean (as I say every year)

5. the gym and my physical fitness

5 things I want to buy

1. PS3

2. A really nice formal dress I can go dancing in

... that's as far as I've got

and the 5 things I must maintain are

1. My relationship with my boyfriend (all the girls in my family have been with their partners from about the same age as me. One of the guys I know now should be that guy for me. And I can't think of a better guy right now)

2. My happiness. It took so long to get here and I want to stay

3. The commitment I'm making to college. It's alot but I think it's worth it

4. Jujitsu. I'm loving it and it's so useful really

5. My relationship with my family. It's taken a while to get to what it is and I don't want to mess it up again

Because the last 3 1/2 years have been like a living hell for me and I KNOW that this is it finally getting better.

Wish me luck :)

One xxx

2

I thought tonight would be good for a little update

and a chance to wish everyone a belated merry christmas and an early happy new year

Today has been a pretty nice day I guess. Been out all day really however not one of my best days ever. Got a lovely Christmas Gift from my boyfriend and pjyamas from his parents :D

Just to let the world know that I remember now. I remember everything.

I'm not going to explain any more than that

Going away for a few days tomorrow. No intenets :O

Don't really have much to say and no idea why I'm writing this. Maybe I just have a few too many things on my mind and needed somewhere to put them.

Just been getting wound up with people quite a bit recently and I need some time to chill.

But you guys should just always remember to smile.Ok?

One xxx

Lost and insecure. You found me, you found me

I'm feeling all romantic tonight. It's a nice feeling.

I had the most amazing day

except the part where my dad was making fun of me because he saw me kissing my boyfriend in the pool >.<

And this week looks to be good.

going to my boyfriend's tomorrow, got a few mocks but nothing I can't take and most importantly it's the birthday of someone AMAZING tomorrow :)

Also finishing college on thursday for CHRISTMAS

woo

In a romantic mood tonight and really cannot be bothered sorting my clothes.

I just love things right now

One xxx

Evening All

Well its late evening and i've had a lot on my plate recently and to be honest i'm strugging to cope with it all.

I'll share some of the things that have happened to me in the last few weeks:

• Well i think i'm falling behind in college
• I'm not getting enough sleep at night and its affecting me in the day.
• I'm been in pain over my legs and my back and i feel if i go back the doctors all he'll say is that its growing pains (He's been saying this for last two years).
• It seems like everyone seems to want me to help them out with there problems (to be honest i like helping out it takes my mind off things)
• I've got the stress of buying christmas pressents for friends and family
• Theres this girl i like and i want to ask her out on a date i just dont have the guts to because i no she'll say No ( Or thats what most people have said when i've asked them out)
• My Step-Dad came out of hospital to be told he's got a cancerous tumour.
• Sometimes i think that some of the groups i work with just want me there to tick boxes and make them look good.
• Someone i know has blown all there money and is struggling for basic food.
• Sometimes i think that my step mum is just taking advantage of my dad because he wont say anything to her.
• It seems that what ever someone i care about does it seems to backfire.

Thats all for know
The "Other"

Today has been an odd day.

Infact, it's been odd since I last posted.

I have a boyfriend. I'd say new but my last post was MONTHS ago and I've been with this guy for the past... almost 4 months... I less than three him.

I only told you that because he's a key part to these stories.

My past has been playing with my head alot lately. I don't know what to do anymore.

There's a line in a song... fainting spells by AFI that kind of explains what I want :/ Feel rather emo admitting that. But it's kinda true Give me something I can take, can take to make the memories fade.

Seriously, it's putting quite a downer on thing. I broke down crying in college today. It's hard to explain.

So yeah, I'm gonna tell everyone what happened in as much detail as I can remember.

then I may explain some of the flashbacks I have.

We walked home from School that day. To mine. Miles away from where he lives. My parents weren't home so my gran invited him in. He played Mario Kart with my sister while we waited for a parent. They let me go to the old town with him. Just some time to kill after school. We went to the old town... This is where it begins to go hazy... I know we visited the resource centre. I know he bought a star wars figure. I know we went cool trader because when I was hypo he gave me some sweets. Apparently we went Frailers, to see about adjusting my Bass... I don't remember anything else until we walked past the first bridge on the canal. I was rather hypo. I know I was talking about more than I should but can't remember what it was about!!! We walked past that bridge and on to the next. When I'm hypo I'm curious, I wanted to know what was down the other paths. It's only from going back I remember this. One was a road, bit boring. The other was a subway. We walked down here. I sent a text saying me and this guy were "closer than just friends" I do question if I knew what was happening. I know it started in one subway but don't know how it got from the middle of one to the entrance of the other.

I remember him without his pants. I remember being stood between him and a wall. His arms on either side of me. I don't think I put up a fight. I'm not sure.

next I remember being on my knees, him underneith me. Telling him I needed to go home. I was going to be late.

I walked in the door. Dad started asking me about a Wii game.

He was texting me on his way home. Crying.

I didn't count it as rape until someone else used the word.

I didn't remember any of this the next morning. I forgot the guy even walked me home

I do doubt you could comprehend the sheer betrayal I still feel.

I'm so scared this could happen again. Someone help me

My boyfriend has been one of the biggest helps to me now. He's saved me

I'd be so lost without him.

I had a flashback today. A time when I was hypo, This guy was trying to make me eat chocolate. I refused and refused but he knew if he looked at me long enough I'd do it. Without further question. When he looked at me I thought I could see how much he cared for me.

When I had this flashback the thing I needed to do was look into my boyfriend's eyes. I couldn't see a trace of the same thing. None of the dominance, none of the control, not looking at me as if I was being silly. I could see how much he genuinely worried about me and how much he just wanted me to be ok. Not the same look. My boyfriend was GENUINE in all this.

Slowly, I'm learning that none of this can hurt me anymore, that I can talk about it.

And I'm sorry to my ex boyfriend. I know you were trying to cuddle up to me and hold my hand tonight but with all the romance on stage when I did take your hand I couldn't look at you.

Because you're not the guy I love anymore. I wanted to turn to you and see my boyfriend smiling at me like he does in physics when I'm really stuck on a question.

Like he smiles at me when I do something "cute"

I really am going to miss that this weekend <3

I'm hoping this is it. the end of it all.

Everything will be better from here on in and this post is the proof

Wish me luck

One xxx

It's behind you

Hello

Just me again......

Today i've had a decent day went for a meal then to a pantomine it was ace.

Shame though when i got home there was a negative atmosphere i think they've been arguing again.

The "Other"