Today has been an odd day.

Infact, it's been odd since I last posted.

I have a boyfriend. I'd say new but my last post was MONTHS ago and I've been with this guy for the past... almost 4 months... I less than three him.

I only told you that because he's a key part to these stories.

My past has been playing with my head alot lately. I don't know what to do anymore.

There's a line in a song... fainting spells by AFI that kind of explains what I want :/ Feel rather emo admitting that. But it's kinda true Give me something I can take, can take to make the memories fade.

Seriously, it's putting quite a downer on thing. I broke down crying in college today. It's hard to explain.

So yeah, I'm gonna tell everyone what happened in as much detail as I can remember.

then I may explain some of the flashbacks I have.

We walked home from School that day. To mine. Miles away from where he lives. My parents weren't home so my gran invited him in. He played Mario Kart with my sister while we waited for a parent. They let me go to the old town with him. Just some time to kill after school. We went to the old town... This is where it begins to go hazy... I know we visited the resource centre. I know he bought a star wars figure. I know we went cool trader because when I was hypo he gave me some sweets. Apparently we went Frailers, to see about adjusting my Bass... I don't remember anything else until we walked past the first bridge on the canal. I was rather hypo. I know I was talking about more than I should but can't remember what it was about!!! We walked past that bridge and on to the next. When I'm hypo I'm curious, I wanted to know what was down the other paths. It's only from going back I remember this. One was a road, bit boring. The other was a subway. We walked down here. I sent a text saying me and this guy were "closer than just friends" I do question if I knew what was happening. I know it started in one subway but don't know how it got from the middle of one to the entrance of the other.

I remember him without his pants. I remember being stood between him and a wall. His arms on either side of me. I don't think I put up a fight. I'm not sure.

next I remember being on my knees, him underneith me. Telling him I needed to go home. I was going to be late.

I walked in the door. Dad started asking me about a Wii game.

He was texting me on his way home. Crying.

I didn't count it as rape until someone else used the word.

I didn't remember any of this the next morning. I forgot the guy even walked me home

I do doubt you could comprehend the sheer betrayal I still feel.

I'm so scared this could happen again. Someone help me

My boyfriend has been one of the biggest helps to me now. He's saved me

I'd be so lost without him.

I had a flashback today. A time when I was hypo, This guy was trying to make me eat chocolate. I refused and refused but he knew if he looked at me long enough I'd do it. Without further question. When he looked at me I thought I could see how much he cared for me.

When I had this flashback the thing I needed to do was look into my boyfriend's eyes. I couldn't see a trace of the same thing. None of the dominance, none of the control, not looking at me as if I was being silly. I could see how much he genuinely worried about me and how much he just wanted me to be ok. Not the same look. My boyfriend was GENUINE in all this.

Slowly, I'm learning that none of this can hurt me anymore, that I can talk about it.

And I'm sorry to my ex boyfriend. I know you were trying to cuddle up to me and hold my hand tonight but with all the romance on stage when I did take your hand I couldn't look at you.

Because you're not the guy I love anymore. I wanted to turn to you and see my boyfriend smiling at me like he does in physics when I'm really stuck on a question.

Like he smiles at me when I do something "cute"

I really am going to miss that this weekend <3

I'm hoping this is it. the end of it all.

Everything will be better from here on in and this post is the proof

Wish me luck

One xxx